


look in the mirror, who do you see? are you sure it's you staring back at me?

by portraitofwlw



Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Its twin peaks what did you expect, No explicit sex or violence, Pre-Canon, Reality Bending, Sad, Trauma, ben horne is the worst, laura and audrey parallels are fascinating, not relationship heavy really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24937243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portraitofwlw/pseuds/portraitofwlw
Summary: We weren't friends exactly. But I knew her better than the restBobby and James may have loved Laura, but only Audrey tumbled into dreams, shared nightmares, with her.
Relationships: Audrey Horne/Laura Palmer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	look in the mirror, who do you see? are you sure it's you staring back at me?

**Author's Note:**

> Considering the sensitive nature of both of these characters, I've done my absolute best to portray their trauma in a grounded way. Audrey deserves so much more introspective character study beyond her "femme fatale" persona.

Laura was supposed to be tutoring Johnny, technically, that's what she was getting paid to do after all, but here she was in Audrey Horne's room while Johnny watched tv in his. Sometimes he just liked to be left alone, something that his parents couldn't seem to grasp. 

Audrey was on top of her, sitting where her hip bones jutted out and pressed awkwardly into her skin. It couldn't have been exceptionally comfortable, not that it mattered; the line between pain and pleasure was a blurry one, if it even existed for girls like them. She was in a black lacey thing, trying to look older than she was, which made Laura want to laugh, even if that's exactly what she tried to do too. 

They'd started with sweaters on, light, cashmere ones that smelled of cigarettes and were fraying from being washed instead of dry cleaned, but those had come off once Laura had pushed her hands under Audrey's and onto her smooth stomach. Now they just had their skirts on, and their bras. 

Did Audrey know about One Eyed Jacks? She probably didn't. Here Laura was, laying underneath her, knowing her Daddy had done the same thing. Life was funny like that. Maybe Audrey wanted her because Ben always gave her the attention Audrey wanted, _needed_ , as a kid. Maybe it was a bit of revenge mixed in with all the other stuff, a fuck you to her father. At least she liked Audrey. She wasn't her father, she did things _with_ Laura not to her. 

Laura thought to mention that Audrey's wallpaper looked a lot like the one in Jack's, dark green with winding red roses interlocking and sprouting from the same stems. If she squinted a little, she could almost convince herself she was on a bed there, big red curtains all around her. It wouldn't have been farfetched to assume Ben would've used the same designer, and it didn't necessarily mean anything, but Laura got the sense Audrey was trapped too. 

Laura blinked and saw Audrey's big blue eyes staring down at her.

"You're off in dreamland again, Laura. Am I not interesting enough?"

Laura could hear the undertone of insecurity that constantly soured Audrey's voice, but she chose to ignore it and pull her down into a kiss to shut her up. Audrey made this little sound-- almost like a squeak, when she did that, and Laura had to put a hand on her side to steady her so she didn't topple off onto the floor. Audrey hissed then, like she'd been burned. Maybe, if they'd looked, there would've been a pink handprint scarred onto her skin. 

"Do I light your fire Audrey?" She put a hand on Audrey's chest and pushed her up, admiring her with a playful glint in her eye. 

"You're burning me right up." 

-

Always, after Laura left, Audrey got this weird feeling in her, like she was on the edge of somewhere dark, her toes clutching onto the side of a cliff before she fell forever through nothingness, like she might've just walked into the wolf's house, thinking it was her grandmothers. If she looked hard enough would Laura's teeth turn sharp and rip her open? 

And then, when she went to bed, she'd have these awful dreams. Dreams that seemed more real than her waking life. Dreams that never happened before Laura, not like this.

She was in the woods, deeper than she used to go as a kid, when she'd escape from her father's too loud voice for a few hours-- or days. She was used to being scared of her house, not of the outside. Maybe she should've been scared of it all. 

The ground felt squishy beneath her, and she was always wearing her red pumps, covered in blackish, greasy mud. There was nothing comforting about the tall trees that looked down at her, nothing like she remembered; she was crawling around in a skeleton. Then a girl screamed, right in her ear or far away, she couldn't tell. It sounded a bit like Laura, and a bit like her own voice. She ran, dodging the bony trunks, twisting and turning until she lost her way completely, trying to find this girl. It was dark. The moon wasn't out, not a single star, she was completely alone and the screaming wouldn't stop. It overlapped and reverberated around her skull like she was screaming from inside herself, and nothing would stop it. Putting her hands over her ears only made it ring louder. 

If she ran hard enough, fast enough, kicked off her shoes and left them so that her stockings turned black and the mud stuck between her toes, she'd find a man at the edge of a clearing. He spoke only once, but she knew him already. "Come on Audrey, put your coat on. You're the one who wanted to leave." But there was no coat, and she couldn't leave without one. 

In the morning she'd wake up with a killer headache, staring at the crack in her ceiling and the portrait her mom had commissioned of her for her sixteenth birthday: hair slicked back, black and white checkered sweater, diamond earrings, and a pretty green-- maybe emerald, ring on her finger. The painter must've added that one in because she didn't own any emeralds. 

It felt like someone was watching her, like there was a hole in her wall for her father to peek into, even though she knew he didn't care enough to do that. If Audrey wasn't herself, he would care. He would've spied on her all day, like he looked at Laura. She didn't want his eyes on her, yet she did. It could've also been the portrait, with its yellow-green eyes, or something looking in through the window. Even when she tried to escape her room, the owls carved into the banisters of the staircases in the Great Northern followed her with their big bulbous eyes. Someone was always looking at her. 

-

In school, Audrey and Laura hardly talked. They exchanged a glance or a hello in the hallway, or a smile if she was waiting for Donna at her locker, which was near Audrey's. They were friendly acquaintances, nothing more, nothing less, completely ordinary. Nobody would spare them a second glance. 

However, even with her perfect nonchalance, Laura knew Audrey would've liked it if she didn't sleep with anyone else because she took everything too seriously, like a woman child, used to years of distracted parents who did bad things to even worse people, desperate for any and all attention, forced to grow up quick and kept a kid too long. But she had enough sense not to say it, and she had the will to stand seeing James fawn over Laura's every move and Bobby kiss her lips black and blue, and that's what Laura liked about her. She wasn't dumb like James or Bobby, she knew she couldn't have Laura, couldn't own her even if she wanted to. 

Meetings with Audrey didn't even make it into her diary. It wasn't only her secret to keep, and unlike James, who wanted to scream his supposed love for Laura from the rooftops and let the whole town know Laura's life was a sham, Audrey was just as secretive of their situation as she was. They had too much to lose. Ben might've paid attention if he found out, but it would've been bad attention, the kind that makes your face wet with tears and your cheeks red with shame and sting with pain. Ben wanted to own Laura and keep her all to himself. There were people in Laura's life that would've loved to take a big bite out of Audrey. They both had things to protect the other one from. 

It felt nice, having someone else's secret to keep. It gave her an ounce of power when all of hers felt stripped away. Audrey liked secrets too, liked them like a little kid does on the playground, so Laura told her secrets. Nothing about Jack's or Flesh World, but she told her bedtime stories about Bob and the red room with the zigzag floor, stories that scared her. Laura could tell.

Audrey got goosebumps when Laura told her about Bob, got sickly pale when she confessed he'd had her since she was twelve. She even had the courtesy to vomit in the bathroom once she'd said that. But she still didn't understand what was happening. She asked questions Laura didn't know the answers to and said things that made her heart drop into her stomach, so they always went back to kissing. 

It was fun to kiss her, to steal the cigarette smoke from her mouth and lick at her until her red lipstick was gone. They could pretend they were other people, movie stars, like Audrey wanted so badly to be. But movie stars still had to walk off set, something Audrey had failed to consider. Just like the rest of them, they had to go home to their sick, sad lives. 

-

"Dance with me Laura!" Audrey called out to her from the middle of the roadhouse. 

It was dark, but for a spotlight on Audrey, and a band was playing something she'd never heard before. The bartender was gone, and all the alcohol had been stacked neatly on the shelves. The floor was swept clean so it looked perfectly black, as if they were walking in space. 

"Come dance with me Laura!" Audrey repeated, swaying her hips side to side, her skirt swishing along with her. "Dance with me! It's no fun dancing by yourself." She stretched her hand out, waiting for Laura to take it. Something felt terribly wrong.

"You don't belong here. You need to go, you need to leave." 

Audrey's face turned sour, contorted into a frown. Her movements were becoming more intoxicating, drawing her in slowly, the ring on her finger shimmering in the light like a small sun.

"I _do_ belong here Laura, you brought me here." 

"I didn't! I didn't!"

"You did, here I am! Dance with me, dance with me Laura, this music is so dreamy don't you think?" She reached her hand out further, wiggling her fingers in an attempt to touch Laura. 

Laura stepped into the spotlight and realized the blackness around them hadn't been empty at all, they were surrounded by people, most of them in flannels with dirty faces. Audrey twirled around her, obscuring her vision, and the people seemed to draw closer. They smelled like blood and oil. 

When Laura woke up, she was drenched in sweat, and she couldn't get the music out of her head. 

-

"You give me dreams Laura, I never dreamt much until I met you." Audrey giggled, a cigarette dangling from her lips. "Girl of my dreams." She said in a faux sultry voice, her head hanging off the edge of her bed. "I dreamt you danced with me."

"Audrey, stop. I don't want to hear about your stupid dream."

"We're somewhere, I don't know where-- but it's so black, like there's no color in the whole place! It looks a little like the roadhouse actually, now that I think about it, and there's music coming from the walls. They're playing my favorite song and you're there, standing all alone in the middle of the room and I walk in to join you, so we can dance together, because you never, _ever_ dance with me Laura. Why won't you dance with me? It takes so long to convince you, but finally you hold my waist and you kiss me, and we sway back and forth until we're old and have wrinkles on our cheeks. But then, here's the thing Laura, you _disappear_."

Laura gripped her arm, hard, and pulled her upright on the bed so she could stare into her bluish eyes. 

"Audrey I said _stop_!"

Laura didn't see her for a while after that, but the dreams still came to them both, darker and sicker than ever before.

-

It took forever for Laura to let herself see Audrey again, for almost a whole month they didn't do so much as say 'Hi' in the hallway. If Laura missed her, she was better at hiding it than Audrey, who felt almost desperate enough to ask Donna how she was doing. But Donna might not even really know, by the way they interacted now. Laura's string, her tether to the earth, had begun to fray. 

She looked greyer than before, like all the color was being sucked out of her. She blended in seamlessly with the drab walls of the high school and the dirty remnants of the snow that had fallen in early January. Audrey could tell she'd been using cocaine again, her eyes looked glassy and a little cloudy. She seemed almost like a ghost, floating through the halls of Twin Peaks High School, as if, had Audrey bumped into her, she would've passed right through. 

Laura still saw Johnny, but she refused to cross the threshold into Audrey's room, even when all Johnny wanted to do was do a puzzle or watch tv by himself. The wall between them felt a million miles thick. 

Patience was never Audrey's strong suit, and it was showing through her cracks now. She let her eyes follow Laura more, like the boys she hated to compare herself with. It was pathetic. As much as she hated to admit it, hated to even think about it, she knew she would have to grovel if she wanted to see Laura again. 

Turns out she was wrong.

-

A rock bouncing off her window woke Audrey up out of her sticky sleep. She'd been dreaming about sinking in neck deep tar, the awful stuff filling her mouth and nose as she was pulled under it. She took the chance to get up readily, and went to her window, surprised to see Laura in the grass below. She looked terrible in her ripped lingerie and smeared red lipstick, which did little to cover up her newfound greyness. 

"Laura?" She whispered once she opened the window. 

Laura didn't ask if she could come in, as off putting as that was, but Audrey still moved out of her way as she scrambled up into the third floor window. She had that faraway look in her eye, and she was bleeding from her shoulder. 

"What the hell happened to you?" She half whispered. 

"Can I sleep here?" Laura flopped onto her bed. 

"Fine. Come here a second then." Audrey tugged her back up and half carried her to the bathroom. 

She flicked on the light and sat Laura down on the toilet seat. 

"Turn it off!" "Turn it off!" Laura shrieked. 

Audrey's eyes went wide and she thought for one fleeting, terrifying, moment that her brother had woken up from the noise. 

"Shhhh!" Audrey clamped a hand over her mouth and turned off the overhead. "I need some light so I can fix this."

"I'm unfixable Audrey. The angels have gone away." 

Audrey decidedly ignored her and grabbed a washcloth in the dim, flickering, light coming from the lamp above the mirror. She ran it under warm water and started to wipe the smeared makeup from Laura's face. 

"Are you gonna tell me what happened Laura?" 

"No." 

Once Audrey had wiped her face mostly clean, she turned to grab a bandage and some rubbing alcohol for the nasty bite on her shoulder. It made her sick just to look at it. When she turned back around, Laura was staring at herself in the mirror. 

"What do I look like Audrey?" She asked, not breaking from the staring contest with herself.

"What?" 

"Do I look like Laura?"

"Of course you do."

"Are you sure? Even if you look hard? Don't my teeth look sharp?" 

Audrey could feel a shiver erupt on her back. 

"Laura I'm going to put this on your neck so it doesn't get infected." She moved in front of Laura, intercepting her vision of herself. 

Laura slumped back against the porcelain and turned her head to the side, unresponsive, as if she'd fallen asleep. 

After that, they saw each other more. 

-

On nights when Audrey was feeling brave enough to snag the keys to the car (not that her parents ever noticed) they drove all around, just the two of them and a full tank. Audrey liked the same music she did, the kind that made you feel like you were floating, and she liked to kiss her across the console, but she always stopped before clothes came off. Time went blurry when they were in the car together, more than once they stayed out all night until the sun made the sky light.

More often than not they would head to the Double R to get coffees (Norma never said anything when she filled their orders, she just raised an eyebrow and told them to be safe) to stave off the tiredness that would hit around one. Once they'd kissed long enough that it started to get boring, Laura would beg Audrey to drive up into the woods, even though it scared her. 

No matter what road they took, they always ended up in the same spot, the same clearing overlooking the town, the same clear night. Usually they would sit on the hood of the car and talk and smoke, but tonight Laura wanted more. Something bad had happened since the last time Audrey saw her. 

She'd brought a little white baggy with her, something Audrey hated and wouldn't let her do in the car, and a little piece of metal to shove the powder into her nose. Audrey turned her head the other way when she lined it up, pretending it just wasn't happening. 

-

"Audrey, come on."

"Laura I don't want to go into the woods."

She didn't like the woods any more, after those dreams. She felt watched there, watched everywhere now. There were always eyes peering down at her.

"Can't you hear them? They're calling to you."

"Laura please-"

"I'm going in, whether you come or not." 

Laura's biggest weapon. It worked with Donna, James, Bobby, and by the way she was stepping closer, Audrey too. They were all afraid of being left behind, but they just didn't know yet-- they didn't want to go where Laura was going.

-

She was wearing her red pumps, the heel more brown than red now from sinking into the earth. She wanted to ask where they were going, but the words died in her mouth, and she didn't think Laura would hear them anyway, if she did speak. So she just did her best to follow Laura's quick steps, navigating around roots and fallen branches. She was a few paces ahead of Audrey, not looking back, never looking back. 

"Laura!" She called out when her foot got caught on a root. But Laura didn't turn around. In an effort to keep up, Audrey abandoned her shoe and pulled off the other one. She could get them later.

She had to run to catch back up to Laura now, who seemed on a mission to get somewhere. 

"Laura? Laura! Can't you hear me?" 

If she could, she didn't show it. 

After what felt like hours, once Audrey's feet were sore and bleeding, Laura stopped, causing Audrey to nearly run into her. They were in front of a large felled tree, the remaining stump big enough to climb inside. 

"The man who comes in through my window, I know his name now." 

Audrey froze behind her. 

"What is it?"

"I met him last night." 

"What's his name?" 

"I can't tell you!" Laura giggled. 

"Why not?"

"Because then you'll be in big trouble, big big big trouble little Audrey Horne." 

"Does that mean you're in trouble too Laura?"

Laura whirled around to face her. 

"So what if I am? Who's gonna save me now? I'm gone away in dreamland. Far far away, someplace strange."

Laura flicked the end of her lit cigarette at her, hitting the skin near the cuff of her jacket. Audrey made a sharp noise of pain and brushed the ash off of the reddening skin. 

"Now I really burn you up Audrey, don't I? I really light your fire huh? Don't I?" She mocked. 

Audrey looked like she was going to cry. 

"Who are you?" 

"Who? Who am I? Stupid Audrey, it's me. This is Laura now." 

Audrey's cheeks were wet, and Laura had her backed up against the trees, leaving her nowhere to go. Her eyes weren't very blue anymore, in fact, they looked almost green. Laura stuck a cigarette between Audrey's lips and lit it, lighting up her scared face with the flame. Her lips were shaking so much that the cigarette wobbled and fell into the wet brush beneath their feet and started to smoke. The flames licked at their ankles, and Audrey was really crying. 

"Does it hurt Audrey?"

-

They were sitting back in the car, somehow. It smelled like smoke, heavy and dark. Audrey's shoes were sitting by the pedals on the floor of the car, spotless, but her feet were still bloody and her stockings muddy. Laura's eyes were tugging at the back of her head. Had they fallen into a dream? 

"I'm sorry." She sounded clearer than she had all night. 

"It's ok Laura." Audrey wiped at a tear on her cheek. 

"It's not." Laura was firm. Her hand came down on Audrey's shoulder and she pushed down the impulse to shake it off. 

"Let's go to the Double R. I could use a coffee and some pie." 

Laura nodded her head, and let the subject drop, even while it hung in the air thicker than the smoke smell.

Norma looked a little harder at them when they came into the empty diner, just a few minutes before closing. It was half past two. Audrey's feet were bare, and she was looking behind her to see if she was leaving a black-red trail of blood. But she didn't say anything to them as they ordered their coffees (decaf) and a piece of cherry pie to share. Maybe she should've. 

"Sorry about the mess Norma." Audrey offered up when she placed their food down in front of them. 

Norma waved her hand, dismissing the apology. 

"I'll wipe it up once you two leave." The words were dangling on the tip of her tongue, waiting to fall out. Are you two alright? Where have you been? Do you need help? But she didn't ask, instead she left them to eat in silence.

"I'll drive you home." Audrey promised her over scraping forks and gulps of coffee. Like a forgiveness of sorts, one that Laura didn't think she really deserved. 

-

Laura didn't call for four days after the woods. She was darker now than she'd ever been before, it was closing in on her, pressing her head down towards the floor. 

"Meet me at the Double R after 11. I'll be done with my meals on wheels." 

Audrey should've said she had algebra II to study for that period, but she agreed to pick Laura up instead. She'd have to borrow her uncle Jerry's car, a flashy blue ranchero that would get her noticed right away, something she would've liked to avoid. But it was better than getting grilled by the hotel staff, or worse, her father, and Jerry was in Norway on business, so he wouldn't ever find out. 

It was strange to have Laura in her car during the day. It felt like they had nowhere to hide in the sunlight, like their secrets were being judged more harshly by something above them, driving up out of town to a parking lot nobody would recognize them in. Audrey didn't kiss her over the console this time. 

"Audrey, we can't meet anymore."

The car was silent for a moment too long. 

"I forgive you for what happened Laura, I do."

"No you don't, you just want me to stay." 

"Can I still see you? When you come to visit Johnny? Can we figure something out?" 

"I don't know."

Audrey tried to reach out for her, still clinging on, but Laura moved back in her seat.

"I'm gonna miss you Audrey." 

"Laura please, let's talk about this-"

"I think you should take me back home now." Laura said, cutting her off. 

Audrey flicked the keys and started the ignition, feeling more afraid than she had since her very first dream. Laura was disappearing. 

-

That night as she laid across her bed, Laura drew a big black X across the page in her diary dated February 22nd and kissed it, not wearing any lipstick. Maybe, if she hoped hard enough, Audrey would feel her lips on her cheek on last time, a final goodbye, the only relic she'd leave behind of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This was my first time writing for twin peaks so feedback is especially appreciated!


End file.
